photo by Gwennypics, courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons
This seems a bit of a taboo topic for some reason, but have you ever “broken up” with a friend?
It’s hard, isn’t it? There are no social guidelines on how to do this. There are no catch phrases you can use with a friend like the ever-popular “It’s not you, it’s me,” “I want to start seeing other people,” “I think we want different things in life,” or “I need to focus on my career/education/personal development” that you might use for saying goodbye to a boyfriend or girlfriend. But what do you say to a friend whose friendship has become a bit toxic in your life? What do you say when what you really mean is “I don’t think I want you in my life any longer.”
Yea. Ouch.
We are taught that to be a good friend, a loyal friend, a lifelong friend is one of the most admirable qualities one could have. And the longer the friendship has existed, the more valuable it seems. And yes, it is very comforting to have ties to people who have knew you “way back when.” It gives our ultra mobile and modern lives a bit of consistency to have the thread of a good friend that has known us through high school perms, journeys off to college, and life-changing moments like marriage or the birth of children. It’s nice to have someone to say “Remember when….?” to.
All long-term friendships are bound to go through ups and downs, I believe. People that drift from your life can drift right back into your life after a few months or even years of distraction (I’m told this often happens when one friend starts having children and gets caught up in the baby/toddler world, or when a friend moves a long distance away but returns a few years later). And sometimes circumstances allow those friendships to be re-kindled after re-connecting and spending time with one another again.
But what happens when they don’t? What happens when it becomes more and more difficult to find topics to talk about? Or topics you agree about? Or when you find yourself biting your tongue rather than being yourself? When you find yourself feeling obligated to keep in touch and call and/or visit, rather than excited to catch up with your friend? What happens when you realize that you are giving in the friendship, but not getting much?
These are what some might refer to as “toxic friendships,” and getting rid of them can be hard. Oprah Magazine had a great article on this subject a while back, and it can be found here. A great quote was submitted to Oprah Magazine by a reader following that article that relayed her own experience with this kind of situation very eloquently: “Saying goodbye to a toxic person frees us to nurture so many other beautiful and healthy relationships. Several years ago I agonized over ending a decades-long friendship because I was sentimental about our history — and yes, I’d hoped it was a passing phase. But when I ultimately let the friendship go (as graciously as possible), I was surprised to discover I wasn’t brokenhearted but profoundly relieved,” (anonymous, San Francisco).
So tell me – have you ever “broken up” with a friend? What tactic did you use, and what was the outcome?
